Life is, what life will always be...LIFE.

I've determined (once again) that life is always going to be the same in one sense...there will always be twists and turns down the road that have the potential to throw you off. Life is not a simple list of black and white choices we have to make in order to get to the end and experience some grand revelation of sorts. My life is absolutely no exception to this "rule".

I have had financial difficulties ever since I graduated from high school. I have had to struggle with paying for pretty much everything from basic necessity items to school with little help from anyone. I have certainly made my mistakes (errors in judgment) when it comes to how I've used the meager incomes I've managed to pull in; however, I'm very glad that the ultimate measure of life has nothing to do with the amount of money we have made along the way. I am confident that I will eventually get to a point where I can at least "make it" financially. I have the drive and determination to do whatever task lies ahead of me. I may not always choose the correct option, but I make the best of whatever hand I've been dealt.

Right now, I'm at another one of those turning points, and it's not any easier now than it has ever been. However, I'm confident that I will learn at least something through all of the headaches and heartaches to come. I feel like I'm an oxymoron (not just a simple moron) in the sense that I keep making the same wrong choices even though I know they are wrong. I seek out what I know is not going to end up satisfying my needs and/or wants. All along, I have a wonderful child who keeps giving me "his" suggestions as to what I should do or be doing. It's quite humorous at times (usually after the fact).

A friend posted in her blog that the whole act of making choices/decisions is one of the most challenging yet rewarding acts we can do in this life. When we make a decision, we make a change in our life, regardless of how small or large. This is an amazing revelation to me, but it's also a very frustrating point of contention with my psyche, which really doesn't want to change the way it proccesses information.

In the end, I think it comes down to stepping outside of ourselves and our little comfort box and allowing the pains of the world to act as feelers for the right path rather than deterrents from making a choice at all. Is this an easy task? Absolutely not...not in a million years. However, my experience is that when I step beyond my fears and trust in God that things tend to fall more into place.

Anyway, I am simply using this little ramble to help me get through one of those new/old decisions as to what options to embrace for living arrangements, debt management, finances, relationships, and oh...let's see...about 100 more decisions I have to make in the next few weeks, months, years, etc. The only real, tangible thing I have to hold onto is the idea that if I take "baby steps" in a direction, I will come to the next bend where I can take another "baby step" rather than trying to take one giant leap into the dark. Amazing how that works.

The Relationship Ramble

I've determined that I know absolutely nothing about relationships and therefore have no right to comment on them in general. I can, however, comment on my own relationships and the failures thereof. I have yet to have a successful relationship despite my fleeting attempts at it. It's not really that I don't want a relationship or wouldn't accept the prospects of such a thing. However, for whatever reason the reality of a lasting relationship has been more elusive than trying to chase a Ferrari down the Autobon.

I think my dilemma lies in the types of people I have been pursuing and my self-consciousness regarding how my family will react to such people. I am repulsed by a woman who cusses all the time; yet, that's also the same type of woman that I have found myself attracted to as well. Smoking is a huge red flag for me, but in today's day and age, smoking is so prevalent that even those I never thought smoked at all turn out to be smokers (AKA Dragons). Drinking is something I can handle in moderation, but the women I have chased after have this tendency to indulge a bit too much.

Now, I don't know that any of these things would bother me as much if I didn't have a child whose opinions I have to take into consideration every time I turn around. As a friend said the other night, I have to screen for both a partner for myself and motherly skills, even though I'm really not looking for a mother for my child. I'm a package deal, and with that status comes more considerations than many other singles.

So, what does all of this mean? Actually, I have no idea what it means other than the fact that I need to start making different choices regarding those whom I meet and how I meet them. The problem is, how do you meet single women who aren't going to end up being repulsive, annoying, and destructive to my psyche? If anyone has the answer to this question, please let me know. Until someone comes up with a good answer, I guess I will just have to learn to live as a single parent without a partner and provide my child with the best life possible.