Woe is me....NOT!

I realized today how easy it is to work myself into feeling lonely and sorry for myself. It is true that I don't have a partner right at the moment, but I know from past experience that being alone doesn't necessarily mean you have to be lonely. The problem is that I'm human, and such have all the human tendencies to throw pity parties if I allow myself to. Of course, it is never really productive to get into such ruts, but it happens. So, what do you do about it? Well, for me, it is simple...I get up away from my computer and find a paint brush or a camera or a sketch pad and start refocusing my mind on something more creative. However, it is also easy to have blocks to the ole creativity...in such moments, the answers to pulling out of the rut get a little muddled.

What was the cause of today's rut? Well, today Caleb wanted to buy himself a BB gun, which was not the problem in and of itself. I have no problem with him having a BB gun, and I'm not going to go around saying "You'll shoot your eye out," except in fun (yes, my son has watched A Christmas Story many times). However, after we got back from the quest to get a BB gun, I got a phone call from a bill collector (again!!!), and I remembered the fact that I'm broke, in a new area, have no good friends here, and I really need to get a life outside of fixing up my house (that's another story). However, is that a GOOD reason for a pity party? Hmmmm...not really, but it happens.

Fortunately, I had one blank canvas in the garage along with my paints and brushes, so I went out while my son played with his friends and/or watched his video to the garage and painted for an hour or so. What a breath of fresh air (not literally, but figuratively) that was. My painting started out with the brightest color I had to symbolize my desire to pull out of the darkness of depression. Then I went with the darkest color for contrast, but I kept the stars and building lights shining brightly. I also painted a streetlight shining incandescent light upon a lone man sitting on a park bench. The mountains in the background loomed heavy, but a single eye in the sky replaced the moon to symbolize the fact that even when we feel we are alone, we really aren't. The big guy upstairs (aka God) has us covered, even when we don't necessarily feel his presence.

The yellow then became the sand from the poem "Footprints in the Sand" with a white fence at the bottom to add perspective, and a lone garden in the middle of a sandy shore to symbolize replenishment for the soul. I haven't painted the footprints yet because part of me doesn't really want to tread on the sand. I realize that the climb to the top of the mountains gives a much better perspective on the problems I face, and since I couldn't just take off and leave Caleb while I gallavanted up the mountain to "gain perspective", it was the next best thing to provide some very large mountains where the journey might be long and hard (and it is), but the benefits of making the climb will be (and are) totally worth it in the end.

I guess one of the biggest things I'm struggling with now is the fact that I left a low-ish paying, but otherwise comfortable and enjoyable job to come to an unfamiliar land with no paychecks for over a month and no cash reserves to tide me over. I'll admit that I'm struggling with debt, depression, and direction, but I know this is where I'm supposed to be. Climbing this mountain will be probably the biggest challenge I've ever faced, but the benefits in the end (the long term) are what I'm here for. It's all about the adventure, and for now until I have the perspective I need, I will have to rely on my God-given creativity in order to keep me focused and out of the slump of depression that would be easy to fall into.

Okay, pardon my ramblings, but I really needed to do this tonight. I prefer sarcasm over seriousness, but life gets serious at times, so deal with it and move on, just as I'm working towards. Life is not easy, but it's always an adventure...adventures are NEVER comfortable, but they're always good (even if it takes us years to realize it).

TTFN & Rock On!

David

Life...Ugh!

It always amazes me how much us teachers talk about "real-world" stuff, only to have the "real-world" come back and slap us in the face later. I have my students working in groups because I know that they will have group projects both in college and out in the "real-world" of work upon completing their studies at my prestigious institution of sports and secondary education. However, when I come home, there isn't a group to work with right now, just an opinionated, headstrong 8 year-old who thinks the world revolves around him. Of course, my world DOES somewhat revolve around him because most of the choices I've made this past 5 years have been made to provide him with the best life I can possibly give him.

Now comes the catch...The "real" world is alive and well and beating at my front door, on my telephone, on my cell-phone, on my Internet, etc. every day now because I have switched jobs, and I have NO money to speak of, only bills. Ugh!!! Where's the Calgon when I need it. I would love to just snap my fingers and have all of the bills go away, but that just isn't happenin'. So, what do you do when the real-world is a vicious cycle that seems more like a merry-go-round spinning at a million miles per hour? PRAY! and Pray HARD!!!!

On a brighter note, I know that I have a paycheck coming at the end of the month, but wow, that seems like a long time away, especially in a month with 5 weekends. I guess I'm going to have to get knee pads and a big pillow to place under my knees as I pray, pray, and pray some more. I guess maybe this isn't the stuff for a public forum like a blog, but what are these things for other than to rant a little bit. The Real-world makes most of us wont for the elementary school years when we had no bills to pay on our own. However, there isn't any use crying over spilled milk, so to speak. Life will go on, and life will always have its ups and downs. That IS the Real World for 90% of us. The other 10% can go take their vacations and eat them too. I live in the real world, and despite its ups and downs, what better adventure than a rollercoaster.

Rock On!!!!

Uhhhhh...Hmmmm....Okay

I have discovered the value of a stuffed up head today. I had a teacher work day today where I actually got a lot of work done even with my son watching movies, coworkers coming by to visit, and alarms not working properly. I was actually able to get stuff done, though, because my head was so stuffed up that I couldn't hear the movies or the coworkers. I was, so to speak, lost inside myself today. Of course, the work I got done didn't involve a lot of thinking, but I was able to get it done, which was an awesome accomplishment for me because it was the tedious stuff that my over-active brain normally wouldn't have allowed me to get done if it had actually been working in overdrive as it almost always is.

I got home tonight and really just wanted to sit down and relax and act like broccoli (sp?). I didn't even have the energy to make dinner, so we ended up eating at one of those fine establishments of food rapido (fast food). As soon as I sat in the chair and closed my eyes, I got a phone call on my cell phone. The funny thing about that was that my son and I were just talking (15 minutes earlier) about the fact that I think my cell phone had been shut off. Anyway, it was a friend of mine from Portland, calling me out of the blue while riding on the Max in Portland. It was really awesome to talk to her because I had been planning on calling her the night before but when I thought of it, it was too late. As soon as I hung up with her, I got a call from my son's mom who wanted to say goodnight to him since she was going out of town this weekend. I still wasn't able to get the break I needed....ugh! Anyway, it was just one of those days, so I half expected the sky to start falling or something because it simply wouldn't have been the expected thing to happen (I'm learning to expect the unexpected).

I guess the point of my ramblings tonight is that even on a day when my head was clouded, it didn't mean that life had to be miserable or anything like that. My plans are constantly in flux, and to be honest, I think I actually like it that way. Life never gets boring if it's always changing. Does it always make sense? Oh, man, absolutely not. However, I hope that if someone is reading this on a "bad" day for them that they can stop for a minute and relish the thought, mustard the strength, and ketchup on what is happening with an old friend. Life's too short to worry about the small stuff. Rock On!!!!

David