Woe is me....NOT!

I realized today how easy it is to work myself into feeling lonely and sorry for myself. It is true that I don't have a partner right at the moment, but I know from past experience that being alone doesn't necessarily mean you have to be lonely. The problem is that I'm human, and such have all the human tendencies to throw pity parties if I allow myself to. Of course, it is never really productive to get into such ruts, but it happens. So, what do you do about it? Well, for me, it is simple...I get up away from my computer and find a paint brush or a camera or a sketch pad and start refocusing my mind on something more creative. However, it is also easy to have blocks to the ole creativity...in such moments, the answers to pulling out of the rut get a little muddled.

What was the cause of today's rut? Well, today Caleb wanted to buy himself a BB gun, which was not the problem in and of itself. I have no problem with him having a BB gun, and I'm not going to go around saying "You'll shoot your eye out," except in fun (yes, my son has watched A Christmas Story many times). However, after we got back from the quest to get a BB gun, I got a phone call from a bill collector (again!!!), and I remembered the fact that I'm broke, in a new area, have no good friends here, and I really need to get a life outside of fixing up my house (that's another story). However, is that a GOOD reason for a pity party? Hmmmm...not really, but it happens.

Fortunately, I had one blank canvas in the garage along with my paints and brushes, so I went out while my son played with his friends and/or watched his video to the garage and painted for an hour or so. What a breath of fresh air (not literally, but figuratively) that was. My painting started out with the brightest color I had to symbolize my desire to pull out of the darkness of depression. Then I went with the darkest color for contrast, but I kept the stars and building lights shining brightly. I also painted a streetlight shining incandescent light upon a lone man sitting on a park bench. The mountains in the background loomed heavy, but a single eye in the sky replaced the moon to symbolize the fact that even when we feel we are alone, we really aren't. The big guy upstairs (aka God) has us covered, even when we don't necessarily feel his presence.

The yellow then became the sand from the poem "Footprints in the Sand" with a white fence at the bottom to add perspective, and a lone garden in the middle of a sandy shore to symbolize replenishment for the soul. I haven't painted the footprints yet because part of me doesn't really want to tread on the sand. I realize that the climb to the top of the mountains gives a much better perspective on the problems I face, and since I couldn't just take off and leave Caleb while I gallavanted up the mountain to "gain perspective", it was the next best thing to provide some very large mountains where the journey might be long and hard (and it is), but the benefits of making the climb will be (and are) totally worth it in the end.

I guess one of the biggest things I'm struggling with now is the fact that I left a low-ish paying, but otherwise comfortable and enjoyable job to come to an unfamiliar land with no paychecks for over a month and no cash reserves to tide me over. I'll admit that I'm struggling with debt, depression, and direction, but I know this is where I'm supposed to be. Climbing this mountain will be probably the biggest challenge I've ever faced, but the benefits in the end (the long term) are what I'm here for. It's all about the adventure, and for now until I have the perspective I need, I will have to rely on my God-given creativity in order to keep me focused and out of the slump of depression that would be easy to fall into.

Okay, pardon my ramblings, but I really needed to do this tonight. I prefer sarcasm over seriousness, but life gets serious at times, so deal with it and move on, just as I'm working towards. Life is not easy, but it's always an adventure...adventures are NEVER comfortable, but they're always good (even if it takes us years to realize it).

TTFN & Rock On!

David